Lies I Tell My Housemates

Of Executive Respect
Jeff, the General Corporate Manager of Jimmy John’s Sandwiches once came to the downtown Iowa City store and inquired as to which bicycle deliveryman was the quickest. I replied, “Isn’t it obvious?” and motioned towards the blue road bike outside the door. Made mostly of spare parts and hand-me-downs, my delivery bicycle, Panasonic Rex, is the fastest, most beautiful, and most worthy in the Jimmy John’s fleet. I was then assigned a sixty-four dollar delivery to the hospital, which I completed so quickly that the sandwich recipients actually went insane. Thus qualifying Jimmy John’s motto: “So fast you’ll freak.”

Of Beauty and Strength
Panasonic Rex was once in a fashion show. Many remarked on its splendor but doubted its practicality. The skeptics were silenced when, at the after party, I used Panasonic Rex to deliver a party platter in record-breaking style.

While crossing the Iowa City River, a submerged sea dragon spied Panasonic Rex skimming across the water (for we need no bridge). Thinking it to be a rare and mysterious jeweled water beetle, it attacked, planning to hoard my bike in its under-river lair. The serpent chased us for several miles that morning before -in a deft move, requiring much agility- we led it over the Iowa City Dam, trapping it in the power turbines, dismissing its soul to the Eternal Dark Hall of Serpents… The rowing team rejoiced and covered Panasonic Rex and myself in seaweed wreaths. The foul beast had been a plague to their kind for generations.

Many have asked me if it is hard, given my physical condition and the state of my bike, to keep the lovely women folk away. I cannot lie, I am man and have my temptations, the slender, smooth, muscular tubing of Panasonic Rex’s frame, however, keeps me focused.

Of Shortcomings and Rivalries
Panasonic Rex has a single flaw: Just before reaching supersonic speeds, it is known to shake quite violently, but once past the sonic boom, it rides as smooth as a penguin down a bobsled course.

I was once stiffed on a delivery to a far away dorm. As the miser was walking away, smirking with the greedy froth of frugality at the corners of his lips, I pushed hard on a pedal while holding the front brake, kicking dirt onto the back of his Hawkeye jersey. From that point on he was referred to as “Dirty Bird” and eventually dropped out of college as a result of the shame. He now works at a bike shop, attempting to create a bicycle to match the splendor of Panasonic Rex. One day, he may want to duel.

Of Remarkable Performance
After seeing Panasonic Rex barrel through a turn with Millennium Falcon-like speed, Dale Earnhardt Jr. asked if I would be willing to race for him in the upcoming NASCAR event. I told Mr. Earnhardt: “We do not race other men; we race something far less tangible; we race the impatience of a thousand of hungry customers, all wanting that which only we can provide.”
Dale was so distraught by the rejection of his offer he accidentally made a right turn at his next race, sending him into the wall.

During a game night, Panasonic Rex and I passed a gaggle of young ladies on their way to the bars. The wind Panasonic Rex produced was such that as we passed, it blew all the young women’s clothes off. I made my delivery, and to avoid scandal, returned the same way, blowing the their clothes back on. Few noticed, as the entire event took place in the blink of an eye.

Of Creation
When I completed construction on Panasonic Rex, the Gods were indeed envious and cursed us with a great storm, a storm whose fierce winds flipped cars, tore up trees, and leveled sorority houses throughout Iowa City. Later, after some deliberation, they realized the magnificence of Panasonic Rex, and rejoiced in the consolation that one of their creations had made such an excellent bicycle.